Hair
Hair is
a funny thing. Not “funny ha-ha” but
rather, funny odd. Hair (and the issues
it presents) provides both a common bond and a divisive wedge between
people. If we don’t have hair, then we
want it. If we have it, then we have too
much. If our hair is curly, then we want
it to be straight. If it’s short, then
we want it to be long. Nearly everyone
hates their hair at some point, and we’re happy to commiserate about our hair
problems. Those lucky people who love
their hair every day of every week of every year are nearly nonexistent. We covet other’s hair styles and colors,
thinking we would be so much more attractive with that particular cut or color,
then grouse (my uptown word of the week!) when it doesn’t look the same on us. Really, ya think??? Especially when she’s a natural blond and
you’re a redhead before you attempt her color??? Sure.
If you believe that, I have a few national monuments with ocean views
that I can sell you.
Hair is
definitely a funny thing. Funny in the
platypus sort of way, like a joke God plays as you get older just to see if
you’re paying attention to the passing of time.
I’m talking about the hair that starts showing up in unexpected
places. Like the half-inch-long hair you
discover protruding from your chin after you spend the day interacting with
more people than you did in the last six months combined. Absolutely mortifying. And, to top it off, none of your friends
bothered to mention it to you. So, you
stock up on tweezers and make sure you never leave home without one. Complete paranoia takes over as you frequently
examine your chin, neck, nose and any other possible site of a creeping
invasion of man-hairs upon your person, just knowing that there is a man-hair
lurking close to the surface, waiting to spring forward at the most inopportune
time. Arrrrrgggggghhhhh!
Balding
men get really sensitive about their thinning hair. They comb it one way, then another in an
attempt to achieve the greatest amount of coverage. Guys…it really doesn’t matter!!! It’s still the same amount of hair!!! Guys stare at that hair restoration
commercial on TV as if they are on the verge of learning the secrets of the
universe. And women are supposed to be the vain ones. Not even
close when it comes to a man and his hair.
They attempt to keep a tight hold on their hair, all hair, including
those rogue hairs that exit their scalps and journey to more fertile ground
found in the ears, nose, and eyebrows.
These evil hairs grow to unbelievable lengths and wave at passersby when
a gentle wind blows. God help this man,
especially if he lives with a ‘groomer.’
“Huh,” you say. Yes…it’s true…I’m
a groomer. “Really,” you say. Well, not the dog kind. The man kind.
Since my first experience with the evil man-hair on my chin, I have been
on a mission to eradicate wayward rogue hairs.
(Now would be a good time to feel pity for the man in my house who is
frequently subjected—often against his will—to plucking, trimming, and other hair removal
techniques in an effort to combat this vile menace.) These depraved hairs will not be shaved! They refuse to submit to my will so they must
suffer the consequences. They will be
yanked out by the root and destroyed in the name of all things smooth and
hairless!!! Amen!!!